Life In The Fire

You know that song, "Sunny Came Home" by Shawn Colvin? It's a great song. I quite like it. It's a sad song.


These are the lyrics:

Sunny came home to her favorite room
Sunny sat down in the kitchen
she opened a book and a box of tools
Sunny came home with a mission
she says days go by I'm hypnotized
I'm walking on a wire
I close my eyes and fly out of my mind
into the fire
Sunny came home with a list of names
she didn't believe in transcendence
it's time for a few small repairs she said
Sunny came home with a vengeance
she says days go by I don't know why
I'm walking on a wire
I close my eyes and fly out of my mind
into the fire
get the kids and bring a sweater
dry is good and wind is better
count the years, you always knew it
strike a match, go on and do it
days go by I'm hypnotized
I'm walking on a wire
I close my eyes and fly out of my mind
into the fire
light the sky and hold on tight
the world is burning down
she's out there on her own and she's alright
Sunny came home
Sunny came home ...

It reminds me of things like Columbine. It reminds me friends I couldn't help. It passingly reminds me of myself.

Not that I'd ever want to hurt anyone. But some days, I just want to throw myself away, into the fire.

And I do strongly believe in transcendence. I believe in moving forward, even though sometimes I know I'm not very good about letting go and moving on. If you regret clinging to the past yet fear the future...

It leaves you very little. I guess this shows that I really don't believe in the phase 'live in the moment'. I do believe in taking chances and experiencing new things, sure, I just find it difficult to do so without consideration of every step I've taken up to this point and where every step down this new path might lead me.

I've lived in the moment. I've given no thought to consequences. Oftentimes I've regretted it. But usually, at the time, I enjoyed the experience. I guess don't usually regret the experience, but damn the results.

Even for people who live in the moment, everyone must feel at some point like they're walking a tightrope, along a wire about the snap at any moment if they aren't careful of their next move.

I think I know what my problems are. Occasionally I even know what people think are my problems. I'm not always sure of the solutions, and that's the biggest problem.

But I know the solution is not to attack or hurt others. Even when they hurt me, I can only think how horrible I am if I don't forgive them. Might be because my family is that way. We fight tooth and nail but are still expected to stand together and love one another. I will stand by them and love them to my death. It kills me when I fight with my family and it kills me out of shame when I fight with anyone else. The last time I got into a fist fight was because my little brother was attacked and I still feel so deeply ashamed of that. I should have held off, I should have kept my temper in check and let the police handle it. Not that I was arrested or anything, not that the kid has ever touched my brother again. But deep inside what I did is nothing to be proud of.

If I had to do it over again, I'd still hit the punk. He shouldn't have touched my brother.

And I am deeply, deeply ashamed of myself for that. I forgive the kid for attacking my brother, but I still haven't moved past lusting for vengeance when it happens. Someday I hope to be a better person who can relish the solution that doesn't involve taking an eye for an eye.

I don't want to be like Sunny. I don't want to believe my only solution is to hurt others. I don't want to believe the solution is my getting hurt all the time, either. But sometimes, the fire looks so beautiful, so tempting, and so easy. The perfect end all solution.

So often I find myself questioning, 'Is it really so bad to just give up? To give in? Is it really so bad?'

And I think how happy that day would be, no more worries and no more pain. I have to force myself to remember that it would also mean no more happiness, no more seeing my twin sister, no more family or friends at all and no more coffee. Which means more to me? Would it make everyone happy if I were gone?

I remember thinking, back when I was little, that it might. Or at least that it'd probably make my older siblings and parents happy not having to pay my way or deal with me. Some of the kids at school, sadly. But it wouldn't make my sister happy, nor my friends, it wouldn't make my grandmother happy, and I know it wouldn't make my pets happy. My Dachshund Chester's old owner passed away, can I really do it to him again? Haha, sorry, I'm being silly.

But I can't believe in heaven for a suicide. I can't believe like they'll see me again if I die, or that I'll see all the people I miss when I take the plunge. I can't afford to fantasize about it. I have to avoid the fire.

Don't we all? Or, maybe, shouldn't we all? No probably not. There's probably a very good reason suicide exists in humans. There's also a very good reason suicide hotlines exist.

Definitely have to avoid making a bomb and taking everyone with you, though. That's certainly not good.

Sweet Addiction

Everyone has addictions. I have addictions, you have addictions. Even if we don't admit them out loud.

Usually people consider it a bad thing. Most people think addiction and think drugs, smoking, drinking.

But it can be a good thing too. Brushing your teeth, getting up at a certain time, checking yourself right before you swear. These are addictions.

Addiction, impulse, obsession.

Some of my addictions are to being lazy, animals, coffee, walking in circles, sex. I think about or finding myself indulging my addictions at least once a day. They are my tender lovers stroking the back of my head, whispering sweet nothings in my ear.

I guess I'm lucky. I haven't had much experience with the 'hard' addictions. Yeah, I've smoked and drank before. Though I don't smoke now and I really only drink at New Years.

The last time I drank was with my family at Grant's Farm, a zoo-like attraction in St. Louis, Missouri. Everyone was sharing their experiences with drugs and tricking stupid people into thinking they were drunk on soda. But apparently drugs don't affect my family. Woo. That's a little depressing. Isn't it?

Fun times with my family. It's a huge family. We've all smoked, most still do. My elder sister kicked the habit after she had all her kids ("thank god cigarettes lowered their birth weights!"). We all drink. It's fun. My sister drank her ex-boyfriend under the table last New Year's. Not an uncommon occurrence.

We come from alcoholic fathers. My elder siblings are actually my half siblings, though we share the same last name and grew up together. Our fathers both come from the same general bloodline, my father was married into the family of their father. They both come from the same generation, being more than a decade older than mom; they served in the military, come from farming families and were abusive drunks.

I was lucky in that my father had been broken of his habit of beating the crap out of everyone before I grew up enough to remember.

He still drinks. But he doesn't hurt anyone now.

Addictions are really only bad when they hurt others. If you want to hurt yourself, fine, we'll tolerate you. It is a free country.

I think I would like to break a few more of my addictions and to start a few new, better ones in their place. I recently broke my personal vow of abstinence, but I think I'll renew that. I need to get another exercise-like addiction. That would be a helpful, don't you think? Let's all make a resolution to gain a new addiction, just for fun. We could all use another secret love affair to make our lives more enjoyable.

What's this look like?

And what am I doing with it?

Honsetly, every time I think about blogging, it feels like a part of my brain closes down. It has more to do with online journals and how blogs seem to be just that. Journal = Private, at least in my case.

So just like my real life journals, the imaginary journal in my head snaps shut at the very notion that anyone should ever lay eyes on it.

But, I hear good things about blogging. Good stress relief, made new friends, yada yada.

So then, how does one go about blogging anyway? Well since this is the first post, common sense says you should say something interesting about yourself. HAH.

There goes my brain, shutting down again.

Fine. Let's talk about something inpersonal (is anything written really impersonal?). Right now I'm listening to the radio. I should be in bed. The house is a freaking mess. I have a puppy sleeping in my lap. My standard Dachshund Chester (13 year old rescue) and Jack Russel Tessie are sleeping in the chair next to me. Chester's a chair-stealer. And a pillow snatcher. I haven't slept with a pillow for at least a week now.

The puppy on my lap is a Dachshund, too. Actually, he's probably 3/4 Dachshund, 1/4 Chihuahua mix. But he looks Dachshund. Two of his brothers are also pillow snatchers. They're so short, how are they even getting on and off my bed? I used to put them up there, because they'd wake me in the night and I'd roll over and half stupid from sleep pick them up to snuggle and sooth them. Even though they didn't want me. They wanted my pillow.

Kitty-cat on my lap now. I haven't named this one. She's tabby and white. My mother said I should give them away so they'll grow. It's weird, but apparently the kittens stay tiny until given away, then they shoot into full adults in a matter of weeks where they'd been kittens for months and months. My mother's theory is an animal won't grow if you 'wool' it, loving on it daily like I tend to. Practical experiements (the few I'm willing to do, since it involves giving away my babies) seems to support her theory. But whatever. Let the cats stay kittens twice as long as the books say they should. What's the harm?

Maybe there's something in the water?

Besides bleach, I mean. Seriously, well water any day. Espeically over nasty bottled water. 'Purified'? Yeah, I feel like I'm drinking water from the public pool. Did you run it through the jets of the Jacuzzi, too? Mm, tasty. Thanks.

Oh crap, look what I've just done! I've rambled! Oh, no.

Well, I guess I should say one last thing.
Imaddictedtocoffeekaythanksbye.