Life In The Fire

You know that song, "Sunny Came Home" by Shawn Colvin? It's a great song. I quite like it. It's a sad song.


These are the lyrics:

Sunny came home to her favorite room
Sunny sat down in the kitchen
she opened a book and a box of tools
Sunny came home with a mission
she says days go by I'm hypnotized
I'm walking on a wire
I close my eyes and fly out of my mind
into the fire
Sunny came home with a list of names
she didn't believe in transcendence
it's time for a few small repairs she said
Sunny came home with a vengeance
she says days go by I don't know why
I'm walking on a wire
I close my eyes and fly out of my mind
into the fire
get the kids and bring a sweater
dry is good and wind is better
count the years, you always knew it
strike a match, go on and do it
days go by I'm hypnotized
I'm walking on a wire
I close my eyes and fly out of my mind
into the fire
light the sky and hold on tight
the world is burning down
she's out there on her own and she's alright
Sunny came home
Sunny came home ...

It reminds me of things like Columbine. It reminds me friends I couldn't help. It passingly reminds me of myself.

Not that I'd ever want to hurt anyone. But some days, I just want to throw myself away, into the fire.

And I do strongly believe in transcendence. I believe in moving forward, even though sometimes I know I'm not very good about letting go and moving on. If you regret clinging to the past yet fear the future...

It leaves you very little. I guess this shows that I really don't believe in the phase 'live in the moment'. I do believe in taking chances and experiencing new things, sure, I just find it difficult to do so without consideration of every step I've taken up to this point and where every step down this new path might lead me.

I've lived in the moment. I've given no thought to consequences. Oftentimes I've regretted it. But usually, at the time, I enjoyed the experience. I guess don't usually regret the experience, but damn the results.

Even for people who live in the moment, everyone must feel at some point like they're walking a tightrope, along a wire about the snap at any moment if they aren't careful of their next move.

I think I know what my problems are. Occasionally I even know what people think are my problems. I'm not always sure of the solutions, and that's the biggest problem.

But I know the solution is not to attack or hurt others. Even when they hurt me, I can only think how horrible I am if I don't forgive them. Might be because my family is that way. We fight tooth and nail but are still expected to stand together and love one another. I will stand by them and love them to my death. It kills me when I fight with my family and it kills me out of shame when I fight with anyone else. The last time I got into a fist fight was because my little brother was attacked and I still feel so deeply ashamed of that. I should have held off, I should have kept my temper in check and let the police handle it. Not that I was arrested or anything, not that the kid has ever touched my brother again. But deep inside what I did is nothing to be proud of.

If I had to do it over again, I'd still hit the punk. He shouldn't have touched my brother.

And I am deeply, deeply ashamed of myself for that. I forgive the kid for attacking my brother, but I still haven't moved past lusting for vengeance when it happens. Someday I hope to be a better person who can relish the solution that doesn't involve taking an eye for an eye.

I don't want to be like Sunny. I don't want to believe my only solution is to hurt others. I don't want to believe the solution is my getting hurt all the time, either. But sometimes, the fire looks so beautiful, so tempting, and so easy. The perfect end all solution.

So often I find myself questioning, 'Is it really so bad to just give up? To give in? Is it really so bad?'

And I think how happy that day would be, no more worries and no more pain. I have to force myself to remember that it would also mean no more happiness, no more seeing my twin sister, no more family or friends at all and no more coffee. Which means more to me? Would it make everyone happy if I were gone?

I remember thinking, back when I was little, that it might. Or at least that it'd probably make my older siblings and parents happy not having to pay my way or deal with me. Some of the kids at school, sadly. But it wouldn't make my sister happy, nor my friends, it wouldn't make my grandmother happy, and I know it wouldn't make my pets happy. My Dachshund Chester's old owner passed away, can I really do it to him again? Haha, sorry, I'm being silly.

But I can't believe in heaven for a suicide. I can't believe like they'll see me again if I die, or that I'll see all the people I miss when I take the plunge. I can't afford to fantasize about it. I have to avoid the fire.

Don't we all? Or, maybe, shouldn't we all? No probably not. There's probably a very good reason suicide exists in humans. There's also a very good reason suicide hotlines exist.

Definitely have to avoid making a bomb and taking everyone with you, though. That's certainly not good.